The advice you’re about to be provided, should not be followed. This advice is NOT and will NEVER be recommended by Burn Off Your Beer Belly.
This article takes stabs at the USDA food pyramid or plate, other government organizations and corporate weight loss scammers. If you’d like a Belly Burnin’ Real Food Pyramid, download it for Free here:
Bring me your confused. Bring me your overwhelmed. Bring me your stressed. Bring me your overworked. Bring me your out of shape. Bring me your flabby.
We’re from the government and we’re here to help.
We have the secret to incredible fat loss. We have the secret to healthy nutrition. We have the secret dietary guidelines you should be following. We know everything!
Follow our advice and you’ll lose so much weight! You’ll achieve THE BEST results ever!
Let’s start with the least important facet of losing weight and creating fat loss. Your diet.
No matter what you eat, let’s just get you eating less of it.
We really need you to starve yourself as much as possible. Severely cut those calories!
Get out your daily food planner and write down every single calorie you ingest all day. If the number of calories you consume reaches 4 digits, it’s time to stress out, reduce, cut, regurgitate and purge.
Also, stay away from all fats. There’s a reason it’s called fat… Because it makes you fat. No bacon, no butter, no oils (unless it’s vegetable or canola oil).
Eggs are good for you. Add them to your diet.
Eggs are unhealthy. Remove them from your diet.
Sorry, eggs are actually good for you again. You can add them back to your diet.
Stop eating eggs. You do know they are high in cholesterol, right? Remove them from your diet.
Actually the egg yolk is high in cholesterol. You should ONLY eat the white of the egg. Please ensure you stress out about this process as much as possible.
Absolutely no red meat. You’ll instantly get cancer, raised blood pressure, heart disease and you’ll die after your body digests the first bite.
Load up on breads, grains, cereals, pastas and whole grains without consuming too many calories. Stay away from sugar. Pay no attention to how your body reacts to all these carbohydrates.
You’ll need to ignore the cravings you have for more of these foods if you’ve hit your calorie restriction number already. It may be difficult, considering these foods cause cravings for more of these foods, but just use your willpower so you don’t fail.
When you do fail, it’s all your fault. You should be ashamed of yourself. You should feel guilty so you never do it again.
While you’re feeling shame… You really messed up last night when you drank that good, quality craft beer. I know it helped you relax and relieve some stress, but you shouldn’t have done that.
You suck as a human being. You don’t have any self control. You are one big failure. Let us take control. We know what’s best.
We need you eating more servings of these breads and grains because our main job is to protect and advance the agricultural economy.
We’re here to help boost food manufacturing and big business. You know, all those mass producing factory farms? To benefit them is to benefit us.
We’re not here to benefit the independent man, woman or child. We’re not here to better individual human health.
We’re here to expand our power and control. You may have heard the saying “with great power comes great responsibility.” We think that’s silly.
“With great power comes greed, corruption and more power grabbing.” Yeah, that’s more what we stand for.
You don’t need our help in finding the correct health foods, they’re everywhere. You can tell by their labels.
Search for labels ‘fat-free’ ‘low-fat’ ‘healthy choice’ ‘lean’ ‘diet’. These labels are the key to healthy eating.
This is most important when it comes to losing weight. You need to do long drawn out cardio and strenuous activities. You also need to fall for silly gimmicks that promise incredible weight loss.
You couple all that with buying 13 different gym memberships so you never miss a day at the gym, signing up for fat burning bootcamps and running as many marathons as possible…
You’ll have the perfect recipe for muscle deterioration, inflammation, exhaustion, pain, injury and stress, but you’ll lose so much weight.
You’ll look like an Olympic style marathon runner rather than an Olympic style sprinter. Skin and bones beats lean muscle mass!
Muscles weigh too much.
Here’s all the gear and equipment you need to succeed:
Shake Weight – No shame for looking ridiculous and kinda sexual. Tone those arms up and shake that weight!
Free Flexor – More self-sexual toning!
Stationary Treadmill – You don’t have anywhere to go. You don’t need to enjoy nature. Never go outside again! Keep running flat footed on your brand new stationary treadmill today!
Diet Pills – Need help cutting those calories?! Pop these pills. They’ll suppress your appetite. And they come with a whole host of insane side effects that you don’t need to concern yourself with, because who cares?! You’re losing weight! It’s like exercise in a bottle…
Electric Ab Belts – By using science…errr, I mean magic, wrap yourself up in one of these bad boys so they can electronically vibrate your abs. Use this while you sit on the couch drinking a diet coke and you’ll have six pack ab muscles in no time!
Stay clear of kettlebells – They’re too heavy. Lifting things and throwing them around for functional movement is silly. Why would somebody want to work out all their muscles at the same time?
You probably shouldn’t lift any free weights at all. We have machines that do all that heavy lifting.
Oh yea. Ladies! Never lift more than 3lbs. You don’t want your body to have enough strength to pick up groceries or your kid. You must always have a man available to help you when something exceeds 3lbs.
Do You Have More Advice?
We’re extremely confident that if you follow our advice we’ve laid out for you, you’ll achieve incredible weight loss.. (I mean weight gain), increase energy.. (I mean exhaustion), burn belly fat.. (I mean store belly fat), amazing health & wellness.. (I mean sickness & disease).
And we’ll successfully control the agricultural economy. We’ll get rich creating cravings and dependency on our mass produced, corporately processed, sugary & carby foods.
We’ll blame you for all your on-again, off-again, yo-yo dieting so that you give us even more control. You’ll be begging us for more controls to be set up, more rules, more regulations, more laws.
In return, we’ll laugh at your FAT face, behind your FAT back, all the way to our FAT bank!
***Paid for by the United States Department of Agriculture, the Food and Drug Administration and the Department of Health and Human Services***
Maybe you have more of the WORST fat loss, nutrition & dietary advice ever, that we missed. Let us know in the comment section below!